The eyes have it
It isn't every day that I find fodder from a fashionista, but today I struck workplace gold. And I discovered the mother lode in, of all places, the style page of The Wall Street Journal.
There among the late-breaking, leg-breaking news about the latest footwear trends, like "power heels," I stumbled - quite literally, in my 4-inch, Taryn Rose, peeky-toe sandals - on a smashing Ellen Byron "Tricks of the Trade" column titled "How a Dermatologist Looks More Awake."
I must admit that, at first, I had little interest in how "celebrity dermatologist Patricia Wexler" tricks clients like Natasha Richardson and Christie Brinkley into thinking she is alert and fascinated in their epidermal episodes, a deception she accomplishes by applying a "quick camouflage to dull skin and puffy eyes."
Then it struck me! Even those of us who would have no problem looking bright-eyed and bushy-tailed if standing toe-to-toe and eyelash-to-eyelash with Natasha or Christie may face serious job peril if the big boss can see the boredom and despair in our eyes. Face it - management wants you to look fresh and dewy when faced with this year's version of last year's vision statement.
Which brings us to Dr. Wexler's tips for tired eyes and the exhausted worker bees who hide behind them. Fighting a lack of hydration is vital.
"Dehydration can make wrinkles more prominent" the good doctor teaches us, causing the skin to "appear thinner and deepening bluish discoloration under the eyes."
No question you need a thick skin to survive at your job, so you'd better start increasing your water intake immediately. If you are one of those people who find it embarrassing to tote a gallon jug of Three Mile Island Nuclear Enriched Spring Water around the office, may I suggest that an excellent way to make water palatable is to drink it with a healthy additive, like 12-year-old scotch.
Applying a moisturizer is another possibility, but cosmetics can be expensive and frankly, may not be necessary, considering all the crying you do.
"Exfoliation is (Dr. Wexler's) next line of defense," writes Byron, citing the physician's "microdermabrasion treatment of tiny, smooth grains that buff away the surface layer of the skin" to produce the "fresh, pink glow that makes you look refreshed."
Again, there's no reason to rush to AutoZone and shell out for a fancy vial of rubbing compound. Just stand a little closer to your supervisor as he balls you out for your latest, job-related blunder. The scolding hot air produced by your manager, combined with the lacerating quality of his halitosis, will do more than "buff away" the surface layer of your skin. It will strip the skin off your bones, leaving you with the "fresh, pink glow" of a skull immediately after being dipped into a vat of stomach acid.
To help combat tired eyes, Dr. Wexler "looks for creams that include caffeine, cucumber and yeast extract, ingredients that help deflate puffiness." How I wished someone had told us this earlier in our career!
Instead of dunking doughnuts in our bad office coffee we would have dunked our eyeballs. And when we drank too much with our buddies after work, we'd be sure to have ordered a bowl of cucumbers and yeast extract into which to fall face first. Those years of falling into cheeseburgers have done zero for our complexion.
(In a pinch, Dr. Wexler "applies ice-cold tea bags to her eyes." Didn't work for me, but I did have luck applying 50-pound bags of fertilizer. My manager didn't come near me for almost two months.)
It is when we turn from the palliative to the preventive that Dr. Wexler and I part company. "She avoids alcohol, spicy foods and drinking caffeine, especially on flights." For me, being completely sober on an airplane would have my eyes opened so wide in terror that I would arrive looking like a teen-queen slasher victim in "Prom Night VI." On the other hand, lots of alcohol lets me ride the red-eye and still arrive looking fresh and alert.
Hey, if you want to stop time, what better way than to let yourself be pickled.
If all else fails, Dermatologist Wexler hides behind big Jackie O sunglasses. "They hide her tired eyes until she has a chance to care for them." Personally, I like to hide under my desk. It hides my entire body until it's time to go home and use my eyes for what they intended for - watching "The Hills."
Bob Goldman has been an advertising executive at a Fortune 500 company in the San Francisco Bay area. He offers a virtual shoulder to cry on at bob@funnybusiness.com.
