By Cynthia Cheng
In June 2005, Dolores “Dee” Gonzales was brutally murdered by her boyfriend. Gonzales had been a long-time employee at Mission College’s human resources department. News of her death shocked, saddened, and angered her colleagues. Carrying on with their day-to-day job duties was a challenge for the school’s staff and faculty, who were suffering from the sudden loss of someone they had admired and respected.
Mission College solicited the services of Kara, a non-profit organization that offers free support and education to adults and children coping with loss. Although Kara is based in Palo Alto, its volunteer staff was able to come down to Santa Clara and offer on-site grief process meetings at the Mission College campus. About 58 people showed up to the first meeting.
“The grief process meeting creates a safe space within a group for members of the group to share how they’re feeling, how they’re reacting, how they’re coping, and ask any questions about the death that might be concerning them,” says Jim Mulvaney, the Director of Programs at Kara.
Not only did Kara’s on-site sessions help the staff and faculty members at Mission College recognize that they weren’t grieving alone, they also provided an outlet for some to share their feelings about Gonzales’ murder.
“[At the meetings], we came to understand the role of humor in grief, and the need some of us felt to memorialize Dee's existence in our lives,” says Peter Anning, the Public Relations Director at Mission College. “Many people said they felt better after the group session and can still remember specific aspects of it and some of the themes and statements from it.”
“People at Mission College got closer to each other that day at the first meeting,” says Karyne Armstrong, a Spanish instructor at Mission College who had worked closely with Gonzales. “Some people couldn’t talk. But others talked about how they were and what they were doing when they found out. Others talked about their anger at [Gonzales’ boyfriend].”
Armstrong admits that some Mission College employees have yet to recover from Gonzales’ murder, but she is immensely grateful for the support that Kara had provided to the campus.
“It was a really good thing that [Kara] came because it gave an opportunity for people to express what they were feeling. It was a time where I felt it was okay to talk about some things not connected to work,” Armstrong says.
In addition to offering on-site grief crisis intervention, Kara also offers support groups and individual peer counseling. After an intake interview, a client and a staff member of Kara decides on the appropriate approach for grief support. Sometimes Kara refers a client to therapy, a treatment not offered at Kara. At other times, a client will remain at Kara to receive support from a trained volunteer.
“Most volunteers have some personal loss in their background which ties them to their work. And there are many counselors who are former clients,” says Nancy Anderson, a volunteer counselor at Kara. Although Anderson was never a client at Kara, her experience with grieving her husband’s death has helped her relate to her clients.
The staff at Kara understands that grieving requires an indefinite amount of time.
“We live in a death-denying society. We live with loss and despair in terms of how quickly we can get through it and move on,” says Kama Fletcher, the Development Director at Kara. “It is our philosophy at Kara that grief goes at its own pace and it takes time to incorporate a significant loss into your life. Part of incorporating that loss is what we provide - the opportunity to talk about it.”
