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By Mike Calahan

 

Cobwebs outside the door of progress shredded the day my mother made the leap from punch cards to a PC and the World Wide Web.

 

Although not wanting to dissuade her forward momentum, I felt it my duty as her son to warn her that, for all the God-like knowledge at one’s fingertips, cyberspace can also menace and annoy: viruses, identity theft phishing, forum trolls, pop-ups and, of course, Spam.

 

It wasn’t until I got my first computer that I realized how unknowingly popular I truly was and how, until that moment, completely in the dark of that fact I had been for...well, who knew how long? Weeks? Months? Years?

 

However long rumors of my vintage good looks, razor sharp wit and romantic prowess had been passing via red-lipped whispers of my hometown (and, before you ask, yes, women’s lips) to enchanted ears in some third-world country, only days after getting my first email address I began to discover, in the Internet's vastness, a powerful need to communicate with me. 

 

A Russian woman named Tatyana introduced herself to me in an email whose subject was a simple, but sweet ‘Hi’:

 

I am in much desire for romance. Russian womans are known for the love is passionate. Your nice and I hope we can talk more. I enjoyed your picture and wanted to kiss. About me. I am Tatyana, I am 21 and with one son. We hope to make friend of you in America, so we can visit. My son wants to see the Disneylands. I want to love you only.

 

Somehow, my picture had been posted on-line and Tatyana found it. Which picture and from where she never divulged, but this Russian hottie was looking to get with me and who was I to deprive her?

 

I was typing a suave --but not desperate -- and flirtatious -- but not vulgar -- response when I received another email. A follow up from Tatyana? Nope. This one was ‘Big Stud You Are’ from a Latina named Yasmin:

 

Your picture made me want to and my with a water powdered ! Baby, I am so lonely and waiting for . If you can with this hot latina, then click on the link to my profile. I guarantee you will .

 

I was stunned. Two women were trying to seduce me from halfway around the world. Both sent photos and both were very attractive. Why weren’t they chasing men in their own time zone?

 

Seeing Tatyana with her push-up bra and eyeglasses and Yasmin with her look of either alluring seduction or distress at choking on an ice cube, I wondered, why me? Why was I suddenly so appealing? I certainly never was before.

 

Then it hit me: These very attractive women obviously had a history of bad relationships and were now looking for a nice guy. Well, gosh, I was touched.

 

I wrote them both back the same email -- I found it hard to be clever in two consecutive emails-- and, within minutes, heard back. Not from them, but from what appeared to be several friends of theirs.

 

So went my first week in cyberspace, juggling more women than I ever dreamed of. Sure, none of them could write a correct sentence or distinguish between ‘your’ and ‘you’re’, but dammit if they weren’t all gorgeous.

 

Assuming I had earned bragging rights, I began to forward a few of these missives to a friend. He replied:

 

“Yeah, some of those are pretty funny. I don’t know how they find your email addresses, but they do. Funny thing is, this guy at work, Dan, actually thought they were real. He thought these girls were actually writing to him. What an idiot, eh?”

 

I wrote back: “That Dan guy sounds like a moron. Ha ha!”

 

Still, I couldn’t look down on Dan without looking down on myself. And if I did that, I’d have to look down on all the world's romance seekers, duped into thinking they were worthy of scantily clad foreigners who were, like ourselves, feeling unloved, ignored and underappreciated.

 

I deleted the emails from Yasmin, Bobbi, Svetlana, Kurin, Latke, Emma, Lilija, Emiliana and Jovita. I couldn’t delete Tatyana’s, though. Those I saved.

 

First, I used her picture as my desktop because, despite all we actually had not been through, she was still hot and, after all, she was my first Internet girlfriend. Those are the kinds of memories you can’t just download.

 

Second, if Tatyana taught me one thing, it was that somewhere out there in the World Wide Web is a really great picture of me that drives girls crazy!